SOBRIETY/TAKING THE PISS

I'm a reformed drinker. Not quite a teetotaller, but not an imbiber either.

I'm sure you would all be highly impressed if I told you this was because I have realized that I am a better person without the alcohol. Unfortunately, this is not the case.

I have cut down because I was diagnosed with epilepsy and alcohol is considered a trigger for seizures.

I'd also like to say about how not drinking alcohol is so wonderful and how it has given me a new lease on life. Sadly, though, this is also not the case. And I'd hate to come across as (even more of) a sanctimonious wanker preaching about why you should start staying home on a Saturday night drinking green smoothies and watching romantic comedies rather than throwing down buckets of the old golden throat charmer and getting dougied up on the dance floor.

I miss having cheeky lagers in the outer with one of my best mates at the footy. The sun shining down, a couple of sherbets in my mitts, the Dees staring another loss in the face - they are fine memories. Similarly, those glorious days of throwing down margaritas, smoke clouds, beats pumping, ladies grinding, mirrorball rotating. And that was before getting out of the car....

Sure, there are some benefits to the dry lifestyle. No hangovers. None of the sunday dreads. More money.

It has also given me license to drink copious amounts of caffeine now. While I feel slightly fraudulent when listening to most of my music collection now, which variously promotes the benefits of alcohol, drugs and womanising, I'm not actually convinced that the protagonists live that way any more than I do. (Apart from Snoop Dogg. Respect).

When I tell people that I can't drink, most people suggest that surely I could have a couple of drinks. Which, on the recommendations of my neurologist, I probably could. But who wants to stop at a couple of drinks? Talk about red rags and bulls. Either give me the keys to the Ferrari or don't let me start the engine. Its that simple.

But lets face it, if I was undiagnosed with epilepsy I'd probably be pumping my last 2 dollars into a pot of Tooheys and a punt on the Orient Express at some RSL dive in Geelong. Lets just be grateful this is not the case.


Being on the wagon, or at least in the vicinity of it, has allowed me some time to think about drugs and their role in society. Perhaps the focus on marijuana as a 'gateway drug' is the most humourous one. This argument goes something along the lines of 'If the kids smoke marijuana, next they'll try even crazier stuff like cocaine/heroin/Occupy Wall Street/rap music.......'

If we're serious about gateway drugs, what about alcohol? You know, the stuff that comes in bottles and helps people overcome their inhibitions/gain confidence/drive/forget stuff/etc. I can't think of a single friend or family member who at the least haven't put themselves at risk by using alcohol. Personally, I've managed some stupendous feats with a few sherbets under the belt. You think sober people decide to eat 54 oysters in a sitting? Urinate out of moving vehicles? Break into Rod Laver Arena? Jump into Darling Harbour? Fall asleep on trains and do the loop from Olympic Station to Central 5 times?

I also think it is somewhat hilarious that presidential candidates over the years have claimed 'Oh I smoked marijuana. But I did not inhale'. Barack Obama broke rank when he said 'I inhaled frequently. That was kinda the point'. Now old mate Barack is cracking down on the medical marijuana industry in the States. The state with the biggest number of potheads conesmokers dopefiends medical marijuana patients is California. Coincidentally also the home of the late Eazy-E, Tupac, and the very much alive Snoop Dogg and Dr Dre. Apparentally medical marijuana can help with numerous health issues, including lack of appetite, 'pain' and lack of appreciation for Seth Rogen films. Grandma, if you're reading this, get ready for some home made cookies and a movie-a-thon.....

Anyway, the regulation of medical marijuana is kind of 'relaxed' in California. As evidenced during my recent visit to LA, pictured below. The Feds aren't too happy about this, and have launched a joint combined operation to weed out get rid of illicit suppliers, and ensure that medical marijuana users are getting high treatment for medicinal purposes.

 

Indeed, the federal Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms sent letters to gun dealers warning them they could not sell guns to known medical marijuana users. This same Bureau stated that the Mexican government seized 68,000 guns from 2007 to 2011 that can be traced to the USA. Obviously there is a link here. Perhaps its all those stoned Californians forgetting where they put their guns and these subsequently being shipped south of the border. Call me a crazy liberal tree hugging pinko commie organic decaf latte sipping vegan, but I reckon the issue may not be stoned people with guns. It may not even be alcohol and guns (although admittedly these do not seem like a good combo - Plaxico Burress anybody?).

It just may be guns.

 

The defense cracks a bottle, puts his feet up and smokes a bucket bong rests.

FATHERHOOD

The last time my biceps glistened in this fashion was when my entire torso was slathered in olive oil and I was dancing with other oiled up workmates in a way that could euphemistically be described as 'provocatively'. There were mitigating circumstances, sure, but wailing 'It was for charity**' won't help you as you get dragged into the Human Resources office for about 15 different code violations, will it now.

This time my arm is glistening because my dear son has quietly puked all over my arm. Since I said goodbye to Ron* I always thought that my days of having warm sick pouring down my body were over. However, it appears that it was only the end of the beginning.

*Bacardi and his good mates Cooper, Sol, Corona et al.

**Actual charity, not a stripper by the same name.

Truth in advertising/Anyhow, have a Winfield

With the recent hoo-haa (massive segue - remember those 'cut the hoo-haa' ads that were a real hit in the 90's? No? I rest my case) over cigarette branding in Australia, I have viewed the dart ads in Japan with renewed enthusiasm. Given that by now everyone knows that smoking will kill you, (except perhaps that 2 year old Indonesian boy with a 40 a day habit) the content of the advertising is hilarious. I can't imagine that it would convince anyone to start smoking - after all, its not Paul Hogan saying 'Anyhow, have a Winfield'....

Actually, being unable to understand much of the written language in this country has given me a much better perspective on the imagery used in all the ads.

Example 1. Feel like a sport stick? So does this guy. And he has crazy hair, horns, and lightening bolts coming from several orifices. Take that, cancer.

Example 2. Like menthols? Smoke these ones and you'll turn into a horse. A black one.

 

Example 3. My Japanese reading is not quite perfect, but I believe the small sign to the right of the poster says 'If by any chance you can taste any of the pictured herbs in your chicken, we apologise profusely and will replace it immediately'

Example 4. Smoke these and you may get eye cancer. But who cares? WE'LL GIVE YOU YOU'LL AN ELECTRONIC EYE!

 

Example 5. Advertising boffins 'We need to sell this creamy powder. Lets call it some awesome name in English like Creap'. Nerdy office guy 'We should at least do our due diligence and check if that name has any unsavoury connotations'. Boffins 'Yeah. Or maybe we should just break out the champagne now at how awesome the name is' (cue champagne corks popping).

PLAY OF THE WEEK

In a bid to avoid the piece by piece destruction of the Melbourne Football Club, in a stunning turn of events I have wholeheartedly offered my support to the Hiroshima Carp baseball team. Similar to the Melbourne Football Club's employment of a new coach (insert circus music soundtrack here), there were strict criteria applied to this process:

1. I needed a team to barrack for.
2. They wear red, and occasionally, blue.
3. The team has won 1 championship in their entirely unglorious 62 year history. In their current state, they look like never winning one again. Particularly now that I support them.

During a recent family visit to Hiroshima, I was won over by the city itself, and I decided that they were the team for me. I had seen a lot of enthusiastic baseball fans on their way to the stadium that day, and by the time my souvenir-keen Dad called me to ask if I wanted a Carps cap late that afternoon, I was committed.

 

Later on, as I proudly sported my new cap, the demeanour of other fans indicated that the Carps had suffered a heartbreaking loss. A forensic analysis revealed that:

1. Dad had gone to the stadium in the last innings to buy the hat, and thus register my support for the Carp
2. The mighty Carp had been winning 4-0 until the last innings, precisely the time that I was officially on-board as a supporter.
3. At that point they promptly conceded 5 runs and lost 5-4.
   

 

The gift/curse of my support was confirmed.

To make things interesting, I have contacted Centrebet about the odds of a double success sometime within the next 10 years. Read below.

In other news, I never realized that Corbin Harris was such a beast of a skater. I had seen him on Fuel TV and quickly judged that he was a bit of a pretty boy. However, after seeing his new part in the Element video, I have changed my mind. He's no Dave Mayhew (one of my favourite skaters, who incidentally also designed some of the most awesome skate shoes ever) but he goes hard. More than happy to have him at the Melbourne Football Club.