YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE......

[Being bathed by Tanaka's women] 
Tiger Tanaka: You know what it is about you that fascinates them, don't you? It's the hair on your chest. Japanese men all have beautiful bare skin.
James Bond: Japanese proverb say, "Bird never make nest in bare tree." 

As you can see from the above, ole JB is well aware of both the nature of our infatuation with the differences in other cultures and our need to explore them.

Noone is beyond this simple desire to see how the other lot lives (and in many cases, what they look like nude). Having said that, the Nazis probably weren't interested in exploring the virtues of the Poles when they invaded them, and I guess racists in general probably aren't overly fascinated by the body hair or lack thereof amongst their fellow planet dwellers.

But I digress.

Food is a common fascination among different cultures.

Indeed, a consistent response to me telling people I'm moving to Japan has been 'Oh you lucky thing, I love Japanese food'. Indeed. This is like claiming The Tourist will be your favourite movie because it stars Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp.

A lot of Japanese food is fantastic. Whale meat and natto are kinda foul, I'm not into rice for breakfast, but these are minor quibbles; I'm grateful to have food to eat each day.

However, like my fellow upstanding citizens in the media business, I believe that there are some truths that must come out. Important truths, like what Hugh Grant has on his voicemail, where Harold Holt is, and if its not butter, what the fuck is it?

The truth is, there are food and beverage crimes being committed on a daily basis here. And I'm not talking about petty crimes like harpooning whales for 'scientific purposes' (Experiment 1 - what does whale with soy sauce taste like? Experiment 2 - what does whale with wasabi taste like?) or slipping radioactive material into baby food.

I'm talking fraud. On a grand, horrific scale, like putting egg, mayonnaise and seaweed on some dough and then calling it a pizza. Cod roe and tinned corn with pasta. A proper napoli style pizza would go down like the proverbial Hindenberg here. That is if the Hindenberg crash landed from quarts of mayonnaise coating its engines. The Italians in particular cop it. Perhaps it is some sort of inbuilt rage the Japanese have towards the Italians for their outrageous good looks, their infuriatingly irregular public transport, their somewhat unreliable cars and their penchant for leaders who have a sense of humour.....and bunga bunga parties.

Coffee, as I have mentioned previously, is also a complete con job here. Its like the Yanks taught them every thing they know about coffee (insert disparaging comment here), and the Japanese decided to then apply their innovation, ensuring that you can purchase ready made coffee, in a can, with sago pearls, from a vending machine with a pair of schoolgirls panties to mop your face with.

And the bread. Oh the bread. I asked a local if they liked bread, and they responded with 'Yes, I like chocolate bread'. Up until this point I wasn't aware that chocolate was a legitimate variety of bread. I thought things like sourdough, wholemeal, multigrain were varieties of bread, all of which remain unseen here.

So yeah, I guess I'm kinda missing coffee and bread, huh.

Japanese Product of the Week

Incredible stuff this week. Actually saw a breast pump in action, and we have a heated baby wipe dispenser for our Plaxico.

However, while the above are pretty cool, and assist in the day to day living of our little man, this week I'm talking about something that goes way deeper than that. Im talking about something that nourishes you. Keeps you alive. Has magic healing properties. Tastes funny.

In short, your placenta. Well, not yours, actually, but Plax's.

Thats right. In the haze of the afterbirth I managed to communicate to the nurses that we wanted to keep the placenta. They duly obliged, rolling it up in newspaper and popping it in the freezer.

Last week Johnny and I put on the ceremonial galoshes, dug a hole, plopped the placenta in it and planted a plum tree on top.

After that, we had a naming day celebration for our little man, involving the whole Akiyama family. I cooked a lasagne, with homemade bolognese sauce containing pork, beef and a mystery ingredient.

After dining, everyone felt rejuvenated and years younger.

Weird huh?

Japanese Extreme Courtesy of the Week

Saw some massage chairs at the local laundromat the other day. While definitely a good idea, this is just good business - like having a pool table in a pub.

Instead, the Japanese Formal Informal Short Term Loan is the winner this week.

The idea of giving a gift at times of change in someones life is not new, and nor it is confined to Japan. However, it is the grace and ease with which money is given, that elevates the custom to qualify as extreme courtesy here.

Obvioulsly, the concept involves the gift of money to the recipient at times when the recipient is mostly likely to need a short term cash float, such as at a wedding, funeral or births. It is always given in an attractive envelope, such as the ones pictured below:
 

This therefore provides a cash float when most needed. The recipients can use the money, and then when life has returned to relative norm, contribute to other people`s short term needs accordingly.

But here is where it gets real courteous: the giver receives a small return gift from the original recipient worth up to a third of the original gift. To facilitate this in a simple manner, there are catalogues you can order from to provide personalised return gifts to everyone.

Indeed, often after a wedding, the attendees will be sent a catalogue from which to order their return gift. I only discovered this concept when I saw my brother-in-law idly flicking through a catalogue one day. He declared 'I'll get the matching Tiffany teacups'. Kind of weird, I thought, to do your shopping from a catalogue. He then explained it was a return gift because he'd already given a present to the wedded couple. Then I just thought it was kind of camp that he wanted Tiffany teacups. Each to their own, I guess.....

Following the birth of Plaxico, we have been swamped with the kindness of friends and strangers, who have donated gifts and money to Plax's cause. This has helped to offset the costs around this time. Many of the fifts have come from people who I don't personally know - they are friends of the family or business associates.

Word of the week

Fuwa fuwa equals fluffy. Chickens are fluffy. Good onomatopoeia, but not enough to win this weeks award.

Oyakodonburi. Literally translated this is parent and child (oyako) on bowl of rice (donburi).

But in practice, this means chicken and egg served on rice.

Chicken - egg, parent - child.......

Love the logic.

Sporting Moment of the Week

In light of recent events, here is a question I know everyone is asking themselves right now.

Just who is the best red-haired athlete on the planet?

Is it Blake Griffin, a man with mad hops who threw this dunk down last week, possibly the dunk of the year?



Is it Shaun White, who threw down an incredible perfect score of 100 at the Winter X-Games last week?



Or is it Chuck Norris, who won the Professional Middleweight Karate champion title, and then held it for six consecutive years?

Trick question. Of course its Chuck Norris.

Remember, Chuck Norris did not learn karate. Karate learnt Chuck Norris.