Have It Your Way/Segue

Originally I started this blog with the honourable intentions of providing a little entertainment for my own purposes and also to maintain a little sanity while immersed in Japanese culture.

However, as longtime followers* of this column will notice, I feel it is becoming more and more necessary to rant at least once per post. I fear this may be the way all so called writers evolve. First it begins with humorous observations to entertain. Then as our confidence grows, we feel the need to educate. Then, a couple of single malts down the road comes the need to pontificate. From there it is a bloody slippery slope to dictating to the masses, where abiding by the law and displaying general human decency is optional. Hello Murdoch/Kyle Sanderlands.

Talking of tinpot dictatorships, our neighbours down the road, aka North Korea, decided to rattle a sabre (literally - the only other option was a donations tin for spare change), so instead of the world media taking a balanced view of things and paying them no attention, they freaked out and gave that idiotic regime all the attention they wanted. The looks on those smug North Korean official's faces as they answered questions about the 'missile' launch were so infuriating. Talk about fiddling with sticks as Rome burned (and starved).

Interestingly, the world's media outlets then posted follow up articles refering to the 'much hyped missile launch'. Which they had no hand in, obviously. Aside from the 'much hyped' bit, obviously.

As for the missile itself, upon closer viewing on the TV pre-launch, I decided that it posed no threat at all when I saw one bloke fixing roofing nails to the fin. Roofing nails. I mean I'm no rocket scientist, but I'm thinking that roofing nails don't quite cut the mustard in terms of structual integrity.

Oh, and talking of abiding by the law, or not, it was with absolute outrage that I saw a bit of press on the Catholic church's involvement and cover up of sexual abuse. For the last few decades, the priests involved thought they could 'deal with this sort of thing in house'. ie without the involvement of the police. And we're not talking isolated cases here. We are talking systemic abuses and subsequent cover ups, condoned by senior figures in the hurch. Disgusting. The only other example I can think of who prefer to deal with law transgressions in this covert way are criminal organisations such as the Mafia, who also deal with transgressions of their own code and the law 'in house'. Even the most shambolic excuses for sporting clubs in Australia, rugby league clubs, defer to the police when one of their players inevitably has a few too many sherbets and assaults someone.


Australia has enshrined in law such wonderful things as freedom of discrimination on the basis of colour, creed or religion. Which means that you are perfectly entitled to run a crackpot organization that has archaic views on gays, marriage, contraception and is governed by old men that have never had sex. (Please note that according to the wonderfully tolerant catechisms of the Catholic Church, the only way a gay person can work for a Catholic school, is if they profess to be a Catholic, and that although homosexual they do not have gay sex. Figure that out). However, if you want to operate within our society, with all the protections and benefits that confers, including freedom to teach religion, you must be prepared to abide by the same laws which are in place to protect everyone. Especially the most vulnerable in our society - the dispossessed, the abandoned, the children.


I'm not saying that the Church is evil. Many great things have been done by followers of the Catholic faith. But many great things things have been done by people of all faiths, or no 'faith' at all. Personally, I think there is a marked distinction between people who are Catholics and people who espouse the teachings of Jesus.

People who profess One Love. Not tolerance. But love.


And if you truly love people, you know that doesn't mean you get to make up your own rules.


Other than amateur looking missiles going awry, and outrage at the bullshit behaviour of the Catholic Church, it has been a splendid few weeks here in Amakusa. Beautiful days spent kicking the Sherrin under the cherry blossoms, shredding a few hills on my longboard, having friends to stay, it has been a whirlwind of gentle, relaxed activity.

As I sit here with my son sleeping on my chest, I give praise to all those who have made sacrifices so that I can live such a blessed life.

Happy ANZAC Day.

*Thanks Dad.

Fatherhood

Talk about ups and downs. Sometimes I think I'm going through menopause. Some days all I feel like doing is staying in my pyjamas, making bread and reading utter trash online. And my facial hair - astonishing!

Life is funny.

Sometimes you will be laughing with your child, with both of you unable to explain just what is so funny.

Other times, my son cries so hard it makes me cry. Then again, I once cried during Street Fighter: The Movie, when Jean-Claude Van Damme makes a speech about democracy. So I guess you should make your own judgement as to my tear threshold.

But today, I'd like to treat you to the 10% rule of fatherhood. Even in our luxurious, time rich existence in Japan, I have experienced the following:

• You will forget approximately 10% of what people say to you. Generally the important bits. I have (apparently) had entire conversations with people that I do not recall in any way whatsoever. Worse than Bacardi blackout.
• You will take 10% longer to do things, because inevitably there is vomit on your shirt, what appears to be peanut butter on your arm and you haven't gone to the toilet in 2 days and you don't know what to address first. Mainly because the peanut butter may not be peanut butter.....
• This is compensated for by the development of extreme skill in doing several things at once. Women refer to this as 'multitasking' or even just 'living'. For the guys out there, imagine you're watching the footy, having a beer and talking to a mate on the mobile. Conceptually, that is what it is about. Realistically, its about slurping a cup of tea, getting dressed, mentally calculating whether you have time to do a load of washing and all the while holding what feels like an extremely delicately packed 8 kg bag of ripe avocadoes that is equipped with one of those bomb timers like off Speed (starring Sandra Bullock. Mmmm); you stop moving, it explodes.
• You will be 10% more tolerant and understanding of everyone, except people who cut in front of you at the supermarket. That sort of shit will rile you up and keep you awake at night.

Mothers and fathers of the world, I salute you.

Music of the Week

Thankfully, my son has embraced classical music. It would have been so embarrassing if he started listening to whatever it is the youth of the today rot their brains with.

No such worries in this cerebral household. His favourite pieces include:

• Life after Death (Notorious B.I.G)
• Doggystyle (Snoop Dogg)
• Liquid Swords (GZA)

I just hope he appreciates Eric B. and Rakim too.

Sporting Moment of the Week

Given the Dees continue to disappoint (for the extent of my lifetime so far, unless you include the glorious 1987 'night grand final' in which we smashed Essendon. And I do), there are no football related plays to talk about, I'm afraid.

Instead, you have the following to to choose from. Either some carefully edited footage of me skateboarding, set to some classic hip-hop, in which you will be able to observe that I have ruined my jeans, my skateboard gloves, and some kneepads.

 

Or a short 19 second video of my son showing aptitude and comic timing all at once. Please put the volume on for full effect, so that you can hear the commentary.

This weeks's Quiz (with apologies to John Clarke)

Please view the photos below. Then skip straight to the section below for the answers to the 11 most commonly asked questions.

1. The correct answer is b) The small child is on the left of the photo. On the right of the photo there is a large fish.
2. Incorrect. It was Kim Jong Un who had plastic surgery to enhance his double chin, not the child in the picture.
   
3. Yes. His name is Plaxico.
4. False. The name Plaxico was popularized by the NY Jets football player of the same name, who gained infamy by accidentally shooting himself in the leg with his own concealed handgun at a nightclub, and subsequently went to jail. Humorously, the gun was concealed in the waistband of his tracksuit pants at the time of the shooting. Plexiglass is a product used by car manufacturers for windscreens.
5. Correct. I did not catch the fish. I only catch fish smaller than my child. Jerremy Akiyama caught the fish.
6. True. Jerremy is a show-off.
7. False. Plaxico is not yet eating solids and most certainly did not eat a fish approximately that size prior to the photo shoot.
8. True. Man has walked on the moon, and sequenced the genome, but we are no closer to knowing how many chins to the nearest 10 that my son has.
9. False. His cheeks have not been digitally enhanced.
10. Correct. Picture 1 is the closest to a Mexican stand off the Japanese public have ever seen.
11. None of the above. We are not sure if he looks happy in the second photo because he has been told he can eat the fish as part of his 100 day celebrations, or whether he was looking forward to wrestling the fish as part of his 100 day celebrations.